Mutant Love Letters
by Red Witch
Summary: Insanity arises when our favorite mutants discover some old love letters.


** It's written somewhere that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Or this idea, which Persiana13 gave me. Well part of it anyway…The rest is my own deranged imagination. **

**Mutant Love Letters**

"What a lovely day," Jean sighed as she walked in the hallway with her boyfriend Scott Summers. "I like Sundays. So peaceful."

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Jamie and several of his dupes ran past Jean and Scott.

"Come back here you little maniac!" Ray shouted as he and Roberto followed the herd of Jamies. They were both covered in shaving cream.

"Comparatively," Scott winced.

"Still quieter than usual," Jean remarked. "Maybe tonight we can relax and have a quiet evening?"

The doorbell rang. Since the two of them were the closest to the door they went to answer it. "Who could that be at the door?" Scott blinked. "And how did they get past the gate?"

"Uh Scott…" Jean realized who it was.

They opened the door to reveal Lance standing there with a smirk. "Hello Dorkenstein," Lance said in a chipper tone. "Bride of Dorkenstein."

"Well that explains how the gate was bypassed," Jean frowned. "You used your powers to knock them down didn't you?"

"Didn't have to," Lance pointed with his thumb. "Cannonball already did it for me while he was chasing some of Multiple's clones. Uh he also took out part of your wall."

"I'm okay…" Sam was heard in the distance.

"So much for a quiet evening," Scott grumbled. "What's the matter Alvers? You haven't given us any grief for almost a whole week. You couldn't keep up the streak for a couple of years?"

"Believe me Summers, if there was any chance of me never seeing **you **again I'd take it," Lance folded his arms.

"Along with the silverware, cash or whatever else is lying around," Scott folded his arms.

"Look I'm just here to pick up Toad and Pyro," Lance said. "Normally I'd let those two walk home but since it is Blob's turn to cook and he was in the mood for Norwegian Chinese Texas Barbecue I thought I'd get out of there while the getting was good."

"Norwegian Chinese Texas Barbecue?" Jean blinked.

"Let's just say that Blob's family has a very diverse background and leave it at that," Lance rolled his eyes. "Word of warning, never eat pickled herring in orange sauce over bourbon barbecue noodles. Unless you want to spend a week in the bathroom."

"I'll remember that," Scott blanched at the warning.

"One whiff of the smell and you won't remember anything **but** that for a couple of days," Lance groaned. "Just get them for me."

"Wait, Toad and Pyro are **here?"** Jean asked.

"That can't be right," Scott said. "I haven't smelled smoke or Toad all day."

"They're here, I'm **sure **of it," Lance told him. "I dropped them off here this morning."

"They've been here **all day**?" Scott yelled.

"And the mansion is still standing. I know it's _a miracle,"_ Lance rolled his eyes. "Just get them for me."

"How could the Brotherhood be here all day and you didn't know anything about it Scott?" Jean snapped.

"Me? You're the telepath!" Scott said. "You really didn't sense anything?"

"No!" Jean said. "Scott with the Professor, Storm and Logan out for the day you're supposed to be in charge."

"Oh now **I'm** in charge?" Scott said. "What happened to **both **of us being in charge?"

"AAAAHHHH!" Several Jamie clones ran by.

"COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE MANIAC!" Amara screamed as she ran covered in shaving cream.

"DIE!" Tabitha yelled as she followed them.

"I distinctly remember **you** telling the Professor that both of us would hold down the fort while he was in Washington DC," Scott pointed at Jean. "So don't put the blame on me!"

"Well you are the one in charge of security," Jean pointed out.

"And you're the **telepath!"** Scott said. "Seriously? Isn't it your job to pick up the slack when the Professor is out?"

"With all the stupid security protocols you use and mandatory patrols you make us go on these past few weeks you're the one who didn't find any Brotherhood members in the mansion?" Jean asked.

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!" The Jamie Herd ran by again.

"COME BACK HERE!" Ray shouted as he ran with Roberto, Tabitha and Amara.

"I've got the whipped cream!" Sam ran after them with a couple of cans of whipped cream in his hands. "We'll get that little maniac good!"

"How did you get back in here so fast?" Lance called after him.

"Back door," Sam replied as he ran out of the room. "WHOA!"

WHOOOSH!

FOOOOOM!

CRASH!

"Sorry about that…" Sam moaned.

"That's gonna leave a mark," Lance winced.

"Jean you are the telepath!" Scott said. "You are the one who reads minds and senses danger!"

"You keep using that as your only argument!" Jean snapped.

"That's the only argument I need!" Scott yelled.

"Uh guys," Lance interrupted as he came in. "As much as I'd love to watch you two lovebirds go at it, don't you think you should do something about the rampaging Multiple stampede and the mutant cowboys chasing him? In fact why are they chasing him in the first place?"

"I don't know, something about Jamie using his dupes to shoot out some kind of cream over everyone," Jean waved.

"Good to see that telepathy is in top form," Scott quipped.

"Oh shut up Scott," Jean snapped.

"Don't tell me to shut up! You're the one who's letting them run wild…" Scott began.

"Oh now **I'm** letting them run wild?" Jean snapped.

CRASH!

"**You're** both letting them run into walls," Lance pointed out as he looked in the room. "Wow that is a really big mark."

"It's okay. It's the same wall Wolverine clawed before he left," Scott looked in. "We were going to fix that anyway."

"Guys! Knock it off!" Jean snapped at the teams wrestling on the floor trying to hold onto Jamie.

"Yeah don't destroy this place before Toad and Pyro get a chance to!" Lance called out.

"Oh for crying out loud…" Scott groaned. "Okay we need to find them before any damage is done."

CRASH!

"Let me rephrase that," Scott sighed. "Before **more **damage is done!"

"Guys if you are going to kill Multiple go outside and do it," Jean ordered.

"Wow you guys are a lot less uptight than usual about all the damage they're doing," Lance said.

"Well that's because in the first place this room was **already** damaged by Wolverine earlier today," Jean pointed. "As you can see from all the claw marks."

"Oh yeah there are a lot of claw marks on that wall," Lance nodded. "What…?"

"We tried to get him to do the vacuuming again," Scott said. "Didn't work."

"And secondly that is not the real Jamie, that's a dupe they are attacking," Jean pointed.

At this the Jamie dupe the kids were wrestling disappeared. "Aw man!" Ray snapped. "The little twerp did it again!"

"Come on! Let's check the garage again!" Tabitha said as they got up and ran out.

"How did you know?" Scott asked. Jean tapped her head. "Oh **now** your telepathy works?"

"Just be quiet and let me concentrate," Jean closed her eyes and focused her powers. "They're upstairs in the attic with Kurt."

"We have an attic?" Scott blinked.

"Let's just get them before they decide to make it a smoke house," Lance rolled his eyes.

"Come on," Jean waved. They started towards the attic.

"So no adults are here? Just you two are watching the joint?" Lance asked.

"Well technically Beast is here but he's downstairs working on a project and we thought we'd give him some space," Scott said.

"Translation, he drank too much and is nursing a hangover," Lance quipped.

"He did not drink too much and is not nursing a hangover!" Scott snapped.

"He ate too many Twinkies and his stomach hurts," Jean corrected.

"Yeah that makes more sense," Lance nodded.

"HEEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEE!" Bobby screamed as he ran by.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP PUTTING SNOW IN MY DRAWERS BOBBY!" Kitty roared as she ran down the hallway chasing Bobby. She then tackled him with the grace of a linebacker and started to choke him.

"Kitty stop choking Bobby even if he does deserve it," Jean sighed.

"I'm starting to see why your adults are spending less time at home," Lance remarked.

"This from the guy whose team chased out Mystique and Magneto?" Scott gave him a look.

"That's fair," Lance shrugged.

"Lance? What are you doing **here?**" Kitty asked. She stopped choking Bobby and got up.

"And where are you guys going?" Bobby asked as he got up.

"We're going to the attic to pick up Pyro and Toad who for some reason are hanging out with Kurt," Scott explained as they walked by.

"We have an attic?" Bobby asked. Kitty shrugged. They decided to forget about their quarrel and follow Lance and the others.

Soon they were up in the attic where Kurt, Todd and Pyro were happily investigating several trunks. "Hey Summers! What's shaking?" Todd quipped. "Besides Avalanche over there."

"Why are you idiots here?" Scott groaned.

"And since when did we have an attic?" Bobby asked as he looked around.

"Oh Toad and Pyro are here to help me with our Galaxy Ranger Official Club," Kurt said cheerfully.

"And why **here **and why not at the Brotherhood House?" Scott rubbed his nose. "Even as I ask the question I realize how stupid that is. Let me rephrase that, why not **anywhere else** but up here?"

"Seriously I always thought the only room up here was Storm's green house," Bobby said.

"I think that's next door," Todd pointed. "On the other side of that wall."

"Oh yeah that makes sense," Bobby nodded.

"I'm glad **something** does," Scott groaned. "So what exactly are you doing?"

"Well we were looking for stuff for our club…" Kurt began.

"You're forming a club with those two? Why?" Kitty asked.

"Because nobody else here appreciates the Galaxy Rangers!" Kurt gave her a look. "Anyway as I was saying we were looking around and found some of these letters."

"They're real spicy!" Pyro showed a small stack. "In fact they've given me some inspiration for my own writing!"

"Love letters?" Jean took some of them from the pile. "What are love letters doing here and who wrote them?"

"Man Jean your mind reading must be off today," Todd snickered.

"See even **he** noticed!" Scott pointed to Todd.

"Scott!" Jean warned. Then she looked at Todd. "What do you mean?"

"Come on Jean, think a minute," Kurt rolled her eyes.

"Whose **house** is this?" Todd looked at her.

"Technically it's a mansion but you get the idea," Pyro said.

"Oh I get it," Bobby blinked.

"You do? Get what?" Jean snapped. Then it hit her. "Oh…OH!"

"Oh boy…" Scott knew what this meant.

"I know," Kurt nodded. "I was surprised too."

"Wait these are the Professors?" Kitty's eyes widened.

"So **that's** why you guys stayed over here so long!" Lance snorted.

"That and we knew it was Norwegian Chinese Texas Barbecue Night," Pyro said.

"Gotcha," Lance nodded.

"You're reading the love letters the Professor sent to his wife?" Jean asked.

"No, we're reading the love letters the Professor's **girlfriend** sent. The one who he was cheating on his future wife with," Pyro pointed out. "There is a difference."

"What?" Scott was stunned.

"The nurse he fooled around with in the hospital when he was first paralyzed?" Pyro raised an eyebrow. "Come on we mentioned this a half dozen times!"

"And the rest we put on our TV show," Todd said.

"You don't have a TV show," Scott glared at him. "Paying a hundred dollars to a local station manager every other week for thirty minutes of rants and insanity is not a TV show! If the Brotherhood ever got a legitimate TV show, I'd stop watching TV completely!"

"Well there's no need to be **that** drastic," Kurt blanched.

"Yeah Summers, couldn't you just jump off a cliff or something?" Lance asked.

"Why don't **you** jump off a cliff you…" Scott growled at Lance.

"Guys please don't go into it here," Kitty groaned. "Not in the attic."

"We just found this place, don't trash it yet," Bobby reasoned.

"You gotta read some of these," Todd handed a letter to Lance. "They're pretty spicy!"

"Spicy is not the word for it," Kurt said. "Actually there are **several words** for this which I'm probably not allowed to say."

"I think pornographic is a pretty accurate word," Todd said as he read one.

"Guys these are private!" Kitty snapped. "These are personal!" Lance showed Kitty the letter he was holding. "These are…so **hot**!"

"I expected this type of disrespect from the Brotherhood, Kurt," Jean looked at Kurt. "But not from you! I thought you knew better!"

"Then you don't know him as well as you think you do," Todd said. "I'm telling you that telepathy of yours is way off."

"I didn't intend to read it," Kurt said. "Really…It's just…Very addictive!"

"Yeah and if your Professor didn't want us to read these things he would have locked them in the attic in an old trunk in the back covered by a ton of boxes," Pyro nodded.

"It was practically an invitation for us to take a look, yo," Todd agreed.

"Okay there's no point in talking to you two," Scott said. "Kurt!"

"I didn't know whose they were until I started reading," Kurt said. "And once I started I couldn't put it down!"

"That's ridiculous! You could have put it down! Right Kitty?" Jean said. "Kitty?"

"In a minute…" Kitty held up her hand. She and Lance were reading a letter. "Oh my! Oh my!"

"Oh wow!" Lance said. "I had no idea Xavier was such a stud back in the old days!"

"And no point in talking to **those two**," Jean sighed as she held her head.

"All the same you shouldn't be reading…" Scott casually glanced at a letter. "What the…? Holy cow…Whoa these are really graphic aren't they?"

"Wait until you read the letter she sent him after Thankgiving," Todd smirked. "That's a real page burner."

"Show it to me, I want to read that one next," Kitty said as she read the letter.

"Wait…The Professor and this woman did what **where**…?" Scott's jaw dropped.

"In a broom closet?" Bobby looked over. "With a trapeze built in? How is **that** possible?"

"Wait until you read what they did in a hospital break room," Lance said, still reading a letter. "That's not for the faint of heart!"

"This is ridiculous! I can't believe that you are all reading letters sent to the Professor!" Jean snapped.

"Not all of them. This one the Professor wrote but obviously never sent," Todd held up another letter. "It's not as graphic but boy is the guy smooth!"

"Toad you can't just read a person's private correspondence," Jean snapped.

"Yes, you can," Todd said.

"No, you can't," Jean stated.

"Yeah you can," Todd said. "Never heard of a thing called e-mail have you Jean?"

"This isn't e-mail! This is personal! This is private!" Jean snapped as she grabbed the letter from Todd's hand. "This is an invasion of privacy!" She glanced at the letter. "This is…One of the most romantic things I've ever read!"

"So much for being the voice of morality, huh Jean?" Lance smirked.

"Shut up Lance! Jean let me see that letter!" She walked over and started reading it too. "Wow…Oh wow! I've never had a love letter like this!"

"I think Jane Austen never had a love letter like this," Jean blinked.

"Again who knew the old guy had it in him?" Lance chuckled.

"Shut up Lance! You're not one to talk!" Kitty snapped. "You never wrote me anything half as good as this!"

"Kitty you should be impressed that Lance could write, period," Scott said. "Expecting him to write like the Professor is raising the bar a tad high."

"Nice cheap shot," Lance glared at Scott.

"It was a big fat one," Scott shrugged. "I couldn't pass it up."

"Maybe Lance can't be expected to write letters like this but that's no excuse for you, Scott," Jean snapped. "You never wrote me a love letter period!"

"Why would I need to write you love letters? We live in the same house!" Scott asked.

"That's not the point Scott!" Jean said.

"Actually that seems like a pretty good point to me," Bobby remarked.

"Shut up Bobby!" Jean snapped. "It would be romantic Scott."

"Isn't saying I love you enough romance?" Scott asked.

"If you have to **ask**, Scott then obviously you don't understand at all!" Jean snapped.

"No, I don't understand why I have to write you a letter when I can just walk over to you and tell you how I feel!" Scott said.

"Scott you haven't exactly been batting a thousand in that department," Bobby said. "I mean it took you how long to get up the guts to say something to Jean? You barely had the courage to ask her if you could give her a ride to school, let alone date!"

"Didn't somebody tell you to shut up?" Scott glared at Bobby.

"It was Jean, Scott," Pyro said cheerfully. "Jean told Bobby to shut up. Pay attention will ya?"

"You're saying Scott never wrote you a love letter?" Kitty's eyes widened.

"Never," Jean shook her head.

"Wow, even the crappy notes Lance used to write me is better than nothing!" Kitty said.

"Well that makes me feel so much better," Lance glared. "I wrote you poems!"

"Not very good ones!" Kitty said. She looked at Jean. "You would not believe the rhyme he came up with for disembowel."

"It's still better than what Summers wrote," Lance pointed to Scott. "Which was **nothing!**"

"Kitty again, you raised the bar too high," Scott glared at Lance.

"Well at least Lance **tried **to reach the bar!" Jean snapped. "Which is more than you ever did!"

"What are you yelling at me for?" Scott protested.

"Because you have the romantic sensitivity of a dead fish!" Jean snapped.

"That is not fair!" Scott said.

"Yeah Jean not everybody is the kind of poetic writer Xavier and I are!" Pyro agreed.

"Stephen King is not the kind of writer **you **are!" Jean glared at Pyro.

"Jean, Summers' idea of a hot date is a Danger Room simulation on Level Nine while turning off the air conditioner," Todd snickered.

"**Now** who's raising the bar too high?" Lance quipped.

WHOOSH!

"**There** you are!" Pietro zoomed in. "Lance you have got to do something! Blob's dragged out his family's secret dry rub and the soy sauce and put it on the smoked salmon! Plus he's got that dried codfish jerky his family made back in the 80's!"

"I thought we threw that in the river!" Todd yelled.

"Apparently it swam back upstream," Pietro groaned. Then he looked around. "When did you guys get an attic?"

"Hey Pietro you gotta read some of these love letters Xavier got," Pyro waved some letters.

"Ooh! Scandal!" Pietro grabbed them and sped read through them. "WHOA!"

"I know unbelievable isn't it?" Pyro said. "This is a side of Xavier we never saw before!"

"And I'm not so sure I want to see it again," Scott groaned.

"I thought everything was destroyed when the mansion blew up the first time?" Pietro asked.

"Apparently the Professor had a few things in storage and moved them to the mansion when it was rebuilt," Scott shrugged. "I don't know why."

"Gee why **wouldn't** the Professor put his most cherished valuables away from a group of young mutants learning about their powers?" Lance snorted.

"Or a maniac blue shapeshifter with a tendency to blow things up?" Scott gave him a look.

"Scuse me!" Pietro zipped and grabbed the letters Kitty and the others were reading.

"HEY!" Kitty protested.

"We were reading those!" Lance protested.

"Hot! Hot! Scalding!" Pietro tore through the letters with glee. "Wow, even Xavier writes better poems than you Lance!"

"Quicksilver give those back!" Jean snapped. "You shouldn't be reading those in the first place!"

"Oh but it's okay for **you** to read them Princess Perfect?" Pietro mocked.

"I was…I…" Jean gulped. "Just seeing who they belonged to..."

"Save it, Red. Nobody's gonna buy that excuse!" Lance glared at her. "You were drooling over that one letter like Blob drools over a chocolate pie!"

"Yeah!" Scott snapped.

"Whose side are you on Scott?" Jean snapped.

"Yeah whose side are you on, Mr. Unromantic Never Writes a Love Letter?" Todd quipped.

"That's right!" Jean snapped.

"Thanks a lot Toad!" Scott glared at him.

"No thank **you**, X-Men!" Pietro had a gleam in his eye. "Thank you for giving me the inspiration I needed for my next masterpiece! TA!" He zoomed out taking the letters with him.

"QUICKSILVER!" Jean shouted.

"STOP HIM!" Kurt yelled. He teleported out.

"I suppose you're going to blame **me **for this!" Lance threw up his hands as the remaining X-Men gave him dirty looks.

"Well he is **your** team mate!" Scott snapped.

"It's not like I can control him," Lance snapped back. "The things Quicksilver does are like acts of God. If God was an impatient self-absorbed maniac with Daddy issues! I'm not responsible!"

"He got away!" Kurt teleported back. "He was just too fast!"

"I knew the Brotherhood would mess things up!" Kitty glared at them.

"Us? What about you guys?" Lance pointed. "You X-Men aren't exactly innocent either you know?"

"Yeah, besides Kurt here is the one who found the letters in the first place," Todd said.

"I did not!" Kurt snapped. "You picked the lock on the trunk!"

"But you're the one who told me to do it," Todd said.

"Hey I found the trunk so I'm also responsible!" Pyro said happily. "Wait a minute…"

"GET OUT!" Scott yelled. "JUST GET OUT!"

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh! Some people are so touchy!" Pyro grumbled as he got up.

"Yeah one minor breach of privacy and they get all in a snit about it!" Todd agreed as he left.

"Guys let's just go out to eat and fill up on burgers so we don't have to eat Blob's cooking!" Lance groaned as they left.

"Well this is a disaster!" Kurt moaned.

"And who would have thought something **bad** would happen if someone invited the **Brotherhood **over?" Kitty glared at Kurt.

"Uh let us not point fingers at each other," Kurt gulped. "It does not really matter who is to blame…"

"Dude technically aren't **you** to blame?" Bobby asked.

"Bobby, someone told you to shut up. I would listen," Kurt gave him a look. "The important thing is to get the letters back before the Professor finds out. "

"And before you get in trouble," Kitty folded her arms.

"Before **we** all get in trouble!" Kurt glared.

"He's right. We all read the letters," Jean sighed. "We're all responsible."

"Although Kurt here is more responsible than the rest of us," Bobby added.

"Well that's a given," Kitty nodded. Kurt glared at her but she ignored it. "But the question is what is Quicksilver planning to do with a bunch of old love letters?"

"Whatever it is, odds are it's not going to be good…" Scott groaned.

One day later…

"I looked all over at the Brotherhood House!" Kitty told Jean, Scott, Kurt and Bobby in Kitty's room. "At least the rooms I could stand to go into! They're not there!"

"What do you mean those you could stand to go into? I told you to check everywhere!" Scott snapped.

"Well I couldn't! Blob was hogging the living room! The kitchen had a really weird smell," Kitty counted. "And there was no way I was going into Toad's room! At least not without a hazmat suit!"

"We've got to get those letters back!" Jean said. "Before something bad happens!"

"Before **what **happens?" Rogue asked as she walked into the room. "Why are you all in here?"

"Uh hi Rogue," Kitty gulped nervously. "We're just uh…Talking. And stuff."

"What did you **do?**" Rogue folded her arms.

"What makes you think we did something?" Bobby asked nervously.

"The same way I know **crap** when I see it," Rogue gave him a look.

"Seriously Rogue, I have no idea what you're talking about…" Bobby laughed nervously.

"Save it Bobby! She might be able to help us!" Jean gave up.

"Help you with what?" Rogue asked.

"Well yesterday some members of the Brotherhood got into the attic…" Scott began.

"We have an attic?" Rogue blinked. "Since when?"

"Apparently for a while," Scott said. "Anyway they got into the attic and found some personal letters. Then Quicksilver stole them and now we need to get them back."

"Okay in the first place…How did the Brotherhood get into our attic?" Rogue asked. "I thought the vibrations from Blob's big feet would shake the house more than Avalanche?"

"Blob wasn't there," Jean corrected. "It was Lance, Pietro, Toad and Pyro."

"Lance, Pietro, Toad and Pyro snuck in the mansion's attic and **you didn't know**?" Rogue widened her eyes. "Jean I know your telepathy is sometimes off but wouldn't the smell of smoke be your first clue that **Pyro **was in the house?"

"First of all, Pyro didn't burn anything!" Jean was getting annoyed. "Second of all technically the Brotherhood didn't really sneak into the mansion."

"Well actually Quicksilver kind of did but he came last looking for Lance and the others," Kitty added.

"Lance came in through the front door looking for Toad and Pyro," Scott added.

"And why would he look for Toad and Pyro here?" Rogue raised an eyebrow.

"You want to explain **this **part Kurt?" Scott gave his friend a look.

"I sort of…invited Toad and Pyro in," Kurt sheepishly scratched his head.

"You **invited **Toad and Pyro in?" Rogue gave him a look. "Why didn't you just call up for a couple of Sentinels while you were at it?"

"I know it was a bad idea but it didn't seem so at the time," Kurt said.

"And why wouldn't the Brotherhood coming over to our house **not** be a bad idea?" Rogue asked sarcastically. "Even though it has been a bad idea, every **single time**!"

"Ya I know…" Kurt sighed.

"Please tell me this had nothing to do with your stupid obsession over that Galaxy Ranger show," Rogue groaned.

"Okay I will not tell you," Kurt said. "The problem is while they were over here…We found some…"

"Personal correspondence," Jean said quickly. "And before we knew it Pietro stole them and we've been trying to get them back!"

"Personal correspondence? What kind of personal correspondence are we talking about here?" Rogue asked. "And why didn't you all just go to the Professor with this? How much trouble could Kurt and Kitty get into?"

"What makes you think **we'd** get in trouble?" Kitty was angry.

"Because I'm guessing whatever this personal correspondence is are probably letters or documents of some kind you shouldn't have been reading," Rogue folded her arms. "And we all know you two are the biggest snoops and gossips in the mansion."

"That they are," Bobby nodded. Kitty and Kurt glared at him.

"And I'm guessing Bobby read them too," Rogue gave him a look. "And you asked Scott and Jean to help because those two are too goody-goody to read 'em."

"Yes we are!" Jean said quickly. "Right Scott?"

"Oh really, Scott?" Kitty glared at Scott.

"Uh…" Scott gulped.

Before anyone could say anything more_…Students could you all please come to the living room for a moment_, Xavier sent them a telepathic message. _I need to ask you a few questions. _

"Oh I wonder what that could be **about**?" Scott groaned as they got up to answer their headmaster's summons.

"Maybe he doesn't know?" Bobby asked hopefully.

"Yeah and maybe that First Class movie would win an Oscar for Best Picture?" Rogue said sarcastically. "Not gonna happen."

They entered the living room where Xavier, Hank and Logan were waiting. "You guys have a lot to explain about what happened yesterday," Logan growled.

"Hey don't look at me," Rogue defended. "I was just starting to get the story myself. Besides I spent all day trying to stop the New Mutants from killing Multiple."

"Is that where the hole in the wall came from?" Xavier asked.

"I **told **you that one wasn't me!" Logan grunted. "So what is the story Stripes?"

"Well you see…" Bobby began.

"I was asking Rogue, not **you!**" Logan pointed. "Spill it Rogue."

"Apparently Kurt invited some of the Brotherhood over," Rogue began. "And they went into the attic…"

"We have an attic?" Hank interrupted.

"Yes! We have an attic!" Logan barked. "Wait, the Elf **invited** the Brotherhood over?"

"Why would you do something so stupid?" Hank was stunned.

"Was this another Galaxy Ranger themed idea?" Logan began. "And Scott and Jean why didn't you stop them?"

"We didn't know they were here," Jean began.

"How could you not know?" Hank said. "Jean wouldn't your telepathy let you know the Brotherhood was in the house?"

"That's what I said!" Scott said.

"Let's press on shall we?" Xavier interrupted with a sigh. "I take it that you found something you shouldn't have in the attic?"

"Yeah…" Kurt winced.

"Letters of a _personal nature_?" Xavier raised an angry eyebrow.

"Yeah but it's not like I'm the only one who read them!" Kurt pointed to the others. "Except for Rogue of course because she wasn't there but still…"

"Kurt!" Jean snapped.

"Wait you guys read those letters too?" Rogue looked at Scott and Jean. "I don't believe it! HA! Mister and Mister Perfect broke a rule?"

"Technically not!" Scott said quickly. "We only wanted to see who the letters belonged to."

"And to return them to their rightful owners!" Jean added.

"Oh yeah right!" Kitty snapped.

"Tell us another one!" Kurt shouted.

"Jean you were yelling at Scott for not being as romantic as the Professor and writing love letters!" Bobby added. "And Scott you couldn't stop reading them! Although I must admit it was pretty addictive…"

"Yes, yes I see the picture now!" Xavier held up his hand. "And I take it that Quicksilver read them and stole them. Am I right?"

"How did you know?" Jean winced.

At this Xavier calmly took out a television remote and turned on the television. "This was a clue."

On the screen was Pietro in a red smoking jacket, black pants, black cravat in a huge green easy chair by a fireplace. He was reading a letter. "And although I go to marry my fiancé, it is you who will forever be etched in my heart…" Pietro read dramatically. "Love forever, Charles. You're watching Love Letters Mutant Style with Quicksilver…For copies of today's readings please sent twenty dollars to Quicksilver Rules dot com. Order now and you'll get an additional CD of these readings for free!"

"Logan remember the other day you made a comment on how nowadays they would put anything on TV?" Hank sighed. "I believe you have a point."

"Oh this is not good," Scott winced.

"You **think?**" Xavier gave him a look.

"Look Professor I know this is bad," Bobby began.

"Oh you **know** this is bad. That's a step in the right direction," Xavier quipped.

"But this is just a local cable show. Nobody is gonna see it…" Bobby began.

"Check the call letters on the right of the screen, Eagle Eyes," Logan pointed.

"Oh…Well a lot of people don't watch that network anyway," Bobby gulped nervously.

"Only a few million!" Logan snapped.

"How…?" Jean gasped.

"There's a new affiliate station in downtown Bayville," Hank sighed. "It seems that a lot of the new Fall lineup has not proven as effective as the network thought it would. That and the fact that it's a slow news day…"

"But it's just Quicksilver reading letters," Kurt said. "How interesting could that be?"

"Good news TV Land!" Pietro spoke. "I just got a note from the station manager! This show is a ratings hit! We're going to be reading these letters for the rest of the year!"

"Well at least we're part of a hit show…" Bobby said weakly.

"You got the hit part right," Logan glared at him.

Just then Kurt's cell phone rang. "You might want to answer that Elf," Logan frowned. "Seeing as you might not be able to get out for a while."

"Hello," Kurt answered the phone. "Oh hey Toad. What? What do you mean you didn't do it? What _didn't _you do? Pietro? HE DID WHAT?"

"Here's a sneak peek of next week's show, love notes from a Fuzzball," Pietro held up a smaller note. "Roses are red. I am blue. But I'm always happy when I see you…Sheesh this is just as bad as the poems Lance used to write."

"IT IS NOT!" Lance shouted off camera. "Wait a minute…"

"Quicksilver…." Kurt ground his teeth.

"Why don't we skip that and go for something more stimulating?" Pietro picked up some more papers. "Here's some e-mail from Shadowcat to a certain absent Acoylte that should make things interesting…"

"He didn't!" Kitty's jaw dropped.

"He did," Kurt growled.

"He wouldn't!" Kitty shouted.

"He would," Bobby groaned.

"Oh no…" Rogue moaned. "I can see where this is going…"

"How did he get my private e-mail?" Kitty shouted.

"Please nowadays e-mail is easier to hack into than a box taped together by gum!" Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Don't you dare read that aloud Pietro!" Kitty shouted.

"Peter I hope you come to the mansion soon," Pietro batted his eyes and did a mock Kitty voice. "Then I can **personally** show you around the mansion and give you a **private **tour."

"He dared to read it aloud," Rogue remarked.

"That means nothing! He is taking that out of context! It's perfectly innocent!" Kitty protested.

"Maybe we could do something together? I'd love to spend more time with you," Pietro kept going in his Kitty voice. "I had such fun at our date at the café the other day…"

"You have to admit **that's** a bit less innocent," Rogue remarked.

"Date? When was **this?**" Logan shouted.

"I met up with Peter a few weeks ago at a café and we shared a coffee and a blueberry scone together! I invited him to the Institute!" Kitty protested. "Nothing more!"

"And the walk in the park was soooooo romantic…" Pietro batted his eyes, still going full steam in his Kitty impression. "Thank you again for the flowers!"

"FLOWERS?" Lance shouted as he came on screen.

"Flowers?" Scott blinked. "Wait Colossus gave you flowers?"

"Tin Man gave you _flowers?_" Logan asked.

"I don't believe this!" Lance read the paper.

"Notice the date is about two weeks before you two broke up," Pietro pointed out gleefully.

"WHAT?" Lance shouted. "I KNEW IT!"

"IT WAS NOT A DATE!" Kitty shouted.

"Kitty you hung out at a café, had coffee and scones, talked to him, walked in the park and he gave you flowers," Rogue gave her a look. "That sounds like a date to me."

"No, it wasn't!" Kitty said.

"Judges?" Rogue looked at the others.

"Kinda does sound like a date," Bobby scratched his head.

"You gotta give it to her," Scott shrugged.

"You're busted half pint," Logan nodded.

"I'm gonna bust Quicksilver for broadcasting my private poem!" Kurt fumed, his tail wagging back and forth.

"Kurt we're off you and onto Kitty," Rogue snapped. "Honestly I gotta agree with Quicksilver, it wasn't that good a poem. Not as bad as Avalanche's but still…"

"Oh go ahead! Rub salt in the wound!" Kurt snapped.

"And here is a picture of Kitty giving our favorite Tin Soldier a kiss on the cheek!" Pietro showed the picture on screen. "Aren't they cute?"

"FOR A PAIR OF BACKSTABBERS!" Lance yelled.

"LANCE ALVERS YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Kitty stormed out of the room.

"NOT TO MENTION QUICKSILVER WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HIM!" Kurt followed.

"BETRAYAL!" Lance screamed on screen. "BETRAYAL!"

"You know I was going to give you all a lecture on privacy and respecting other people's personal business…" Xavier sighed. "But I believe Quicksilver has made my point."

"Boy did he ever," Bobby blinked. "I'm just glad he didn't read my personal e-mails."

"Oh yeah, like the whole world is **dying** to know about your latest scores on Halo 3," Rogue said sarcastically.

"And now more from Kitty Pryde," Pietro read with glee.

"Sure! Read more on how that two timing tramp broke my heart!" Lance wailed.

"I'm gonna break more than that, ALVERS!" Kitty was heard off screen.

"Uh oh…" Pietro blinked.

"Yeah uh oh!" Kurt teleported in and tackled him. "GIVE ME BACK MY POEM!"

"Fine! You need to do some serious revisions anyway!" Pietro said. To this Kurt started to hit him. "OW!"

"AAAHHH!" Lance ran by the camera.

"DIE LANCE!" Kitty ran after him swinging a samurai sword.

"I **told **Half Pint to stay out of my room!" Logan stormed out of the living room. "She'd better not break that sword!"

Just then Xavier's cell phone rang. "Please let that not be the FCC…" Bobby moaned.

"Hello Gabrielle…" Xavier winced as he addressed his ex-wife. "Gabrielle…Gabrielle listen…"

"It just got worse didn't it?" Bobby winced.

"Oh yeah," Scott nodded. "Big time."

"I'll go call the lawyers..." Hank sighed as he walked out of the room shaking his head.

"That's one way to get a show canceled," Rogue said cheerfully as Kurt fought with Pietro while swearing in German.

"I dunno, Rogue," Bobby said. "I don't think it counts unless the swears are in English."

"Wait a minute…Don't you dare think that you are the only one who…" Xavier fumed. "Oh really? Then what about that gardener you had a fling with before we were married? I didn't have to read your mind! Gabrielle, it doesn't take **three months** to plant two rosebushes!"

"Why are you blaming **me** for what Quicksilver did?" Lance ran in front of the camera.

"BECAUSE I CAN!" Kitty shouted as she chased him with a sword.

"The backyard lawn was not the only thing that got laid that weekend before we were married!" Xavier snapped.

"Don't change the subject! You were cheating on me first!" Lance moved around the set out of Kitty's reach. "I have proof!"

"How's **this** for proof you rock head?" Kitty snapped as she brought the sword down, cutting the easy chair into pieces.

"And let's not forget about Jeremy Fisher! Whose arms you ran back into the second you signed the divorce papers!" Xavier snapped. "Yes I knew about him! You were in the front page of the society papers! The whole **state **knew about you and him! Why do you think I moved back to my mother's old house in Bayville? The fresh air?"

"AAAHH! GET OFF! GET OFF!" Pietro ran around with Kurt holding onto him tightly.

"GIVE ME BACK THOSE LETTERS!" Kurt shouted as he held onto Pietro.

CRASH!

"YOU BROKE HALF THE SET!" Pietro shouted. "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

"ME? WHAT I'VE DONE?" Kurt yelled. "WHY YOU LITTLE…"

"There's no call for that kind of language Gabrielle!" Xavier snapped. "Excuse me but if I recall correctly, I'm not the only one keeping secrets in our relationship! What secrets? How about not telling me I had a son? YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S A BIG SECRET?"

"YOU ARE DEAD TO ME LANCE! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!" Kitty screamed as she chased Lance around.

"IT'S STILL BETTER THAN DATING YOU!" Lance yelled back.

"Oh really? Well maybe if you had told me I **had **a son I would have been a part of his life and he wouldn't have ended up with more personalities than Sybil!" Xavier snapped. "I couldn't have screwed up his life any worse than you did!"

At a torrent of language Xavier winced. "Okay…Technically I **did** do that but the point I am trying to make is…Oh you want to bring the lawyers into this? Fine! Go ahead! Take more of my money! You already took everything else from me! I STOLE **YOUR** YOUTH? WHAT ABOUT MINE?"

"DIE LANCE DIE!" Kitty screamed as she chased Lance around the screen still swinging the sword around.

"Gotta admit it's a very compelling show," Bobby remarked as he watched the chaos.

"The one on screen or the one over here?" Rogue pointed her thumb at the Professor.

"You are an evil, vindictive woman!" Xavier snapped into the phone. "And no it's not slander if it's true! So go ahead and sue me! Get in line with **everyone else!"**

"Get your furry mitts off of me! AGGH! I got fur on my tongue!" Pietro screamed as he rolled around with Kurt.

"Blech! I got Quicksilver spit on my fur!" Kurt grimaced. "GIVE ME BACK MY POEM!"

"AAAAAAHHH!" Lance ran by with Kitty chasing him with the sword.

"No need to tell me to go to Hell! I was already there when I married you!" Xavier shouted into the phone.

"And you wonder why I don't write you any love letters?" Scott gave Jean a look.


End file.
